She’s a Boy I Knew

interview

Vancouver International Film Festival Interview September 2007

Gwen Haworth, a local filmmaker, is premiering her film 'She's a Boy I Knew' at VIFF next week. It's an intimate look at her transition from MtoF (male to female) and its effects on her family. That's a pretty bold move, putting your family and your transition on the screen like that, and I wanted to find out more...

What made you decide to document your transition?

When I came out in 2000, I couldn't find a film about transgender folk that I felt was suitable for showing my family. I definitely wasn't about to bring home 'Boys Don't Cry, or 'The Crying Game'. There's a real dearth of films out there whose target audience are the families & communities surrounding trans folk. Very few trans-related films are about proactive characters engaging in the process of mutual understanding and compassion.

It also dawned on me that all the representations I saw of trans individuals in mainstream media were made by non-trans individuals. Self-representation is a necessary step towards self-empowerment for any community. If we're ever going to break free from the 'representation ghetto' that film & television has entrenched us in, it's vital that we pick up the camera and start telling our own stories.

So as my transition neared its end and I found my family (bio & chosen) still around me, I realized I had this amazing opportunity to capture a portrait of a family that had not only stuck it through a gender transition, but had grown closer in doing so. With the high level of isolation, depression, and suicide reported within the trans community, it felt like an incredibly important story to share with others.

Was your family supportive from the beginning or was coming out rough? And if so, did you start filming during the rough parts of your transition or after, when your family was more supportive?

Some accepted immediately, others are still in the process, but we're all closer than we were before I came out. It's hard not to be closer when you've dropped your guard and let others in. I realized early on, that it was important to give my family the time they needed to come to terms with my identity and that I needed to actively listen to & validate their feelings & concerns along the way. It really helped.

Though I shot some footage during my transition, I purposely waited until after my transition to begin filming the interviews. I've seen too many films that try to voyeuristically capture the raw energy of the moment. Personally I believe these films misconstrue 'conflict' with 'content' and are far less revealing of the inner struggle than people tend to think.

I was more interested in interviewing my family during that window of time when their emotions were still fresh, but they were also able to articulate their experiences more adeptly. So I waited until a few months after my final surgery before asking them questions. It worked. They opened up to the camera more than I thought possible. Especially my father, who is the strong, stoic, & silent type. I didn't expect the degree of openness and honesty that he brought to his interview. It makes me cry.

How does your family feel about being such a huge part of your documentary?

Apprehensive, but supportive. They realize the importance of creating work that explores the family dynamics of trans and queer individuals, and how this can benefit families who are still working through their issues surrounding a loved one's identity. The film is really an ode to my family. In their humble quiet way, they're amazing people. My transition would have been miserable without them. My life would be.

They've all seen the film at one stage or another, and have given me their feedback and approval. However, I'm a little scared about how watching the film with a theatre full of people will affect them... and how it'll affect me. It's not just a film that I'm throwing up on the screen, it's my family, our vulnerabilities, and the gender identity that I had kept hidden for so many years. I'm pretty sure I'll spend the first screening in the theatre lobby, oscillating between weeping and dry-heaving.

How do you feel about releasing such a personal film within your community?

I think it's extremely important that those of us who can afford to tell our stories take the opportunity to do so. Our communities are so starved for self-representation.

I purposely made the film DIY, self-funded, and with consumer-grade video equipment in order to encourage others from 'marginalized' communities to pick up a consumer camera and begin filming their own stories, preferably without a budget.

The film is a political response to the Canadian film industry's growing obsession with creating high-budget entertainment films that are marketable. The industry's new mandate is not only turning its back on Canada's history of innovation in documentary, animation, and experimental film, but its also making it more and more difficult for new work to be seen from directors who don't fit the status quo. Just look at the Toronto International Film Festival. Of the 35+ Canadian feature films this year, I've only found one that was directed by a woman. Instead we have more films about young people copulating and the effects of war. Sex, guns, and violence... how innovative, how exciting! Haven't seen that before!

Instead, I wanted to make a piece that inspired community activism. I wanted people to walk away from the theatre saying "I can do that" and I hope to hell that a handful of them do! I'm dying to see innovative work by new voices that don't rely on old formulas and the financial approval of the old boys club. I want to see more diversity in the director's chair. I want to watch more films by marginalized people, and I want us to break through the narratives of oppression that entrench our communal psyche. I'm so sick of watching films about trans folk that leave you feeling heavy & burdened, or believing every trans person is a drag queen/king. What we watch does have an impact on our reality. We need to create new narratives that instill a sense of hope, community, and personal agency. It's our responsibility to each other. The film & television industry won't do this for us.

Has the film outed you as trans to people who might not have otherwise known? Are you worried that it will continue to do so in the future, or in situations where you might simply want to "pass"?

I currently think that sharing your vulnerabilities with the world is fucking hot! I can't think of a bigger FU to the establishment in this increasingly violent and class-based society that functions on fear, self-defense, and 'roid rage'.

I kept my mouth shut from age four to twenty-seven. Twenty-three years of self-silencing because of my fear of what others may think or do to me. I can't live in fear anymore. It took a ridiculous toll on my self-esteem, confidence, and personal agency. I'm sure there'll be times that my gender identity is an issue for other people and may compromise my safety. But it's more important to get out there and create visibility. To let others know that it is possible to be trans and function within society.

It's easy for me to take that for granted in the liberal microcosm of East Vancouver, but I also work at a shelter in the downtown eastside where I've met many trans women who were shunned by their families and home communities. Hearing their stories, I realize how lucky I've had it and I recognize that I need to utilize the opportunity I've been given to try and create positive change.

Will the film have wide release after the festival or is this people's only chance to see it?

I'll submit the film to other festivals and broadcasters after the VIFF. I really hope people will be moved by the piece and spread the word, as I don't have the financial means to promote it. I'm over $80,000 in debt after transitioning, schooling, and making this film. I knew this would be the case, but felt the film was incredibly important. I've already had a few trans folk at test screenings ask if they can have a copy to show their families. If the film helps other families in some small way - if it facilitates communication, empathy, and compassion - then I'll know it's worth the loss of privacy and financial stability I'm currently struggling with.